“Everything happened at once,” he says. It would take weeks to try and explain to Tony what went on in Steve’s head back then, but on the other hand if they spend that much time together, it’s probably destined to spill out one way or another, because he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it and picking his own actions apart since. If he had just, if they had only, if if if--
“I wish you had come to Peggy’s funeral,” he says. “I guess you were wrapped up in business. I didn’t ask. I should have asked.”
He grimaces and forces himself to look into Tony’s face. He owes him that much. “There was no salvaging the Accords as they were presented to us. If the powers-that-be had meant for us to have any input at all, they wouldn’t have thrown them in our faces with only a few days to read, no amendment process, and no right to a fair trial for violating them. They backed us into a corner on purpose, and the only thing I know to do when my back is to the wall is to fight. Maybe…maybe that was wrong this time. In retrospect, I think I understand a little better, what you were aiming for, but…”
He sighs raggedly. “You can’t reason with the unreasonable. Besides, Hydra thrived right under SHIELD’s nose for decades. I worked for them. We all worked for them. How can I trust—anyone? Any organization, any government? How am I supposed to know whose orders I’m following?”
“Look, my problems go back to before you were born. I got no right to drag you into them. Bucky was my problem because he was my friend, and I failed him. If I’d done my job right in the first place, none of it would have happened. You know, I put that plane in the ice for nothing. Everything I’ve done, it never meant a damn thing, it’s all spangles and no substance. Tony, I…I see you doing penance. I know it hurts, and I know you can’t stand failing, and the idea that someone died because of your decisions is even worse—I didn’t think the two of us self-flagellating together would help anybody.”
“Besides, if he hadn’t gotten his memory back at all, it was a suicide mission. He almost killed me on the helicarrier, and I didn’t have the heart to fight back. If I’d brought you along, I was afraid I’d have to fight the Winter Soldier to keep him from killing us both. How’s that for irony?”
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Date: 2018-06-08 08:38 pm (UTC)“I wish you had come to Peggy’s funeral,” he says. “I guess you were wrapped up in business. I didn’t ask. I should have asked.”
He grimaces and forces himself to look into Tony’s face. He owes him that much. “There was no salvaging the Accords as they were presented to us. If the powers-that-be had meant for us to have any input at all, they wouldn’t have thrown them in our faces with only a few days to read, no amendment process, and no right to a fair trial for violating them. They backed us into a corner on purpose, and the only thing I know to do when my back is to the wall is to fight. Maybe…maybe that was wrong this time. In retrospect, I think I understand a little better, what you were aiming for, but…”
He sighs raggedly. “You can’t reason with the unreasonable. Besides, Hydra thrived right under SHIELD’s nose for decades. I worked for them. We all worked for them. How can I trust—anyone? Any organization, any government? How am I supposed to know whose orders I’m following?”
“Look, my problems go back to before you were born. I got no right to drag you into them. Bucky was my problem because he was my friend, and I failed him. If I’d done my job right in the first place, none of it would have happened. You know, I put that plane in the ice for nothing. Everything I’ve done, it never meant a damn thing, it’s all spangles and no substance. Tony, I…I see you doing penance. I know it hurts, and I know you can’t stand failing, and the idea that someone died because of your decisions is even worse—I didn’t think the two of us self-flagellating together would help anybody.”
“Besides, if he hadn’t gotten his memory back at all, it was a suicide mission. He almost killed me on the helicarrier, and I didn’t have the heart to fight back. If I’d brought you along, I was afraid I’d have to fight the Winter Soldier to keep him from killing us both. How’s that for irony?”